Have you noticed that sometimes your children just need to hear a message once and they get it? And, frustratingly, you can send a message dozens upon dozens of times and it is as if they had never sent the message at all? Every time you send a message to your children, it will likely have to navigate its way through a maze of “message blockers” that can deflect, weaken, contaminate, or outright destroy your intended messages to your children. If you can understand these message blockers, you can lessen their impact and increase the chances that your messages will make it into your children’s psyches.

1. Overly complex messages: “Huh?”

  • The key for children to understand is conveying messages in ways that are appropriate for their level of development. The problem is that parents see their messages through their own eyes rather than through those of their children. Your children are still relatively undeveloped when it comes to how they perceive, interpret, analyze, and make decisions about their world, whether a toddler, preschooler, elementary schooler, or beyond. This is why you have to walk in your children’s shoes.
2. Disconnect between send and receive: “But I didn’t mean that”
  • You may intend to send one message, but end up sending another. The disconnect can also occur between what you send and what your children receive.
3. Infrequent messages: “How many times have I told you?”
  •  If you don’t send your children each message with sufficient frequency, it may not sink in.
  • Here’s what is necessary to keep your messaging on track and consistent: You need to keep your messaging on your radar screen as much as possible.
4. Too many messages: “Do this, that, and the other thing.”
  • You try to convey too many messages to your children at one time.
  • The messages, rather than being distinct, may amass into an incomprehensible jumble that loses all of its value.
  • Your children may be so bombarded by messages that they won’t be able to focus adequately on any single message.
  • The worst case scenario is that, to avoid being overwhelmed by the messages, your children actively resist them and may actually do the exact opposite of what your messages tell them.
  • The best strategy is to choose and focus on a few messages that are most appropriate to your children’s current level of development and life situation.
5. Inconsistent messages: “You can this time.”
  • Too often, we allow our children to do some things sometimes – usually when it’s expedient – but not other times.
  • The contradictory messages confuse them so much that they choose for themselves which message works best for them, even if it isn’t the one you want them to get. Or even worse, they get the meta-message that being inconsistent is okay.
6. Conflicting messages: “But Daddy said……”
  • If you and your spouse send conflicting messages, you pretty much guarantee that a message won’t get through to your children. Not only will your children not get the best message, but they will be confused by the contradicting messages from such credible sources and may become paralyzed with uncertainty about what your message really is and what you want them to do.