When you’re dealing with a difficult situation, one of the first steps is to comfort yourself and manage your emotions.Even when you’re in the right about a situation, if you act impulsively and emotionally it’s unlikely others will listen. They’ll tell you to calm down and don’t get so upset. They also may find themselves reacting first and regretting later.
Mindfulness is a skill that helps you develop a pause between feeling and acting so you’re not ruled by whatever emotion you are experiencing.
The three What Skills of mindfulness:
1. Observe – to see the facts of a situation
2. Describe – to put words on what you see without judging
3. Participate – to participate fully in events with full awareness of what you are doing. This means you’re not clouded by emotion.
The three How Skills of mindfulness:
1. One-Mindfully – to do only one thing at a time and to have your attention fully on whatever you are doing.
2. Non-judgmentally – to just experience without labeling good or bad
3. Effectively – to do what works.
In the case of the adult bully, observing and describing what happened is the first step: doing this in a nonjudgmental way may be difficult. Effectively is key. Regardless of whether the other person is being fair or behaving in reasonable ways, how can you be most effective in coping with his behavior?
Wait until you are calm enough to think clearly. Strong emotions seem to compel people to take some action, but in most situations the urgency is not real. Acting impulsively, without thinking through the action, can make the situation worse. Then one crisis is followed by another and then another. Being mindful of your emotions and your internal experience without acting on your urges and impulses is an important skill. You learn that the emotion will pass.
Be Aware of and Name Your Emotions. When you observe and describe your internal state, that is one step in managing your emotions. For some, this means taking time to identify the specific emotions they’re feeling: jealousy, hurt, anger, or fear? Sometimes anger acts as a shield against feeling hurt or scared. Knowing that your anger is a secondary emotion and that your primary emotion is fear will help you manage your feelings effectively. Knowing what you are feeling gives you more of a sense of control and gives you ideas about what action to take.
Focus on your body sensation if you have great difficulty identifying feelings and distinguishing between feelings and the bodily sensations that are the basis of emotions. This characteristic is called alexithymia. If someone is alexithymic, then learning how emotions are expressed in the body is important. Sadness is often felt in the throat, chest and belly. Anger is felt in the neck, head, shoulders, hands and arms. Fear is felt in the belly, head, face, chest, and throat. Sometimes focusing on the body sensation, such as your throat feeling tight, is more helpful than repeating in your head how anxious you are. Saying “I’m so anxious,” repeatedly may actually feed the emotion.